Saturday, 7 April 2012

Run 59 7th April 2012 Ivybridge Woof woof HT2 Endosperm

Run No. 59.        Venue: Ivybridge Railway Station car park

Hares: HT2, Endosperm & Woof Woof.       

Weather: Dry and calm, ideal weather for puffing and panting round the lanes of South Hams.

Hashers: Man Pig, PMT, Top Shelf, Rear Ender, ShatNav, Zombie, Dulux, Choker, Fallen Woman, Lanky, Rise n’ Shine, Barbie, Shorty, Big Foot, Twiggy, Tear Arse, Alistair, Jane.


A small but stalwart group of multi-coloured miscreants mingled mindlessly in the car park waiting for the ‘off’, and ‘twas at the stroke of one that GM Man Pig called us together, firstly to announce that I, Top Shelf, was to be the Scribe, and PMT was to be the RA. A2B virgins Dulux, Choker, Barbie and Jane were welcomed. The hares, HT2, Endosperm & Woof Woof promised us a varied and scenic trail, but gave us no clues as to where we would end up! Would we go north over the moors to South Brent or Cornwood, or south to Modbury or Yealmpton, or even west to Plymouth, God forbid!?


At the first check it became clear that we weren’t going onto the moors, as Shatnav discovered, coming across his first check-back of the day 300 yards up the hill! So we headed south, across the old A38, then across the new A38, and then meandered along the country lanes towards Filham Park. FRB’s Alistair, PMT, and Shatnav did most of the checking, whilst Barbie stood at the checks laughing at the hares that got it wrong! “What’s Shatnav on?” Zombie asked. “Ever since the Grizzly he’s been a man possessed!” Another person possessed was Rear Ender….possessed by excessive alcohol from the night before!


Passing the kiddie’s Fun Day/ Easter Egg Hunt in Filham Park we came to the first beer stop, and the first ‘strange’ smell of the day…..garlic! “Phew! Is that you Man Pig? What did you eat last night?” asked Tear Arse. “No idea,” was his reply,”I was so pissed I have NO idea what I ate last night!” Dulux (local artist and naturalist……I said naturalist, not naturist, you dirty-minded reader!!) pointed out that it was not Man Pig at all, but it was the wild garlic in the woods.


So then it was on along the Erme-Plym trail to the long/short split at Ermington bridge. The short runners soon came across the second beer stop at Ermington Woods, where a veritable feast awaited us: sweets, crisps, nuts, even bananas!  “You shouldn’t eat those Haribos! They’re full of dead insects!” stated Woof Woof. “Yeuch!” thought I as I helped myself to my fifth sweet! Twiggy became quite orgasmic as Rear Ender mentioned film star Daniel Craig!


Barbie, who hasn’t been hashing very long, made a decision to do some checking for a change, and the lucky bugger got 5 right in a row! One unlucky bugger was Lanky who was ‘encouraged’ (forced!) by Zombie, Rise n’ Shine, and Shorty to check up hill. “You should know hasherettes don’t check uphill” they lied as he moaned and groaned his way up the incline!


Crossing some fields we came to the second ‘strange’ smell of the day…..over-cooked meatballs….. when Big Foot decided to step over the electric fence instead of crawling under it like the rest of us !

Crossing the A3121 and into Ludbrook Top Shelf asked “What’s the name of that stream?” “That’s Lud Brook,” answered Dulux. “The name of the place might have given you a clue” “Doh!”


Through some more fields we came to ‘strange’ smell number 3…..cowshit! And SO much of it! The poor cows in the barn were virtually swimming in it! “I love that smell,” said Man Pig. “It clears my nose!” So what comes out of anal passages clears his nasal passages!!


Down the hill and through Bowcombe Wood we came across the third beer stop where PMT found a dead buzzard, bones sticking out between its feathers. “Look at this,” he said to everyone as he handled the dead, departed bird of prey. After hanging the remains on a road sign PMT helped himself to some crisps, digging his hand into the bowl. “Anyone else for crisps?” asked HT2. “Not for me,” said Choker. “I don’t fancy Dead Buzzard flavoured crisps!” “If you find some horse-chestnut leaves,” Dulux told PMT, “you can wash your hands. They’ve got a natural form of soap in them.”

How does she know all this stuff??


So it was on to the last leg of the hash, along a bridlepath, under the A38, and into the woods leading into Bittaford. “My hangover is so bad,” said Rear Ender, “that I’m now seeing double! I know there’s only one runner in front of me, but I can see TWO!” But there were two, Rear Ender… was Shorty and Rise n’ Shine, running side by side! But it’s an easy mistake to make- they are the same height, have the same hair style and colouring, they were wearing the same gear, and they run in the same style. Tweedledum and Tweedledee come to mind!

After 9 miles for the shorts and just over 11 miles for the longs we had arrived at Point B, the Horse & Groom at Bittaford. It was here that Shatnav proved himself a very stylish, colour-coordinated  fella….purple hoody, purple towel, purple nix. “I wonder if his bell-end is purple too,” pondered Man Pig!

“Anything for the words?” I asked as people got changed. “Too many hills,” said Fallen Woman. “No shiggy,” said Tear Arse. “Too much road,” said Lanky. “I got too many checks wrong,” said Alistair. “I got too many checks right,” said Barbie. “My nuts smell funny,” said Big Foot. “My hands smell funny,” said PMT.

HT2, acting as beermaster and bag-carrier, had, in her own words, a ‘very musical ride’ in her car going from beer stop to beer stop…..’twas all the different ring-tones of mobile phones going off!


The Horse & Groom is a very accommodating pub; the landlord loves having hashers there, and he insisted that we have the down-downs in the pub. So it was over to RA for the day PMT….”I’ve never done down-downs before where everyone sits down,” he said.

Down-downs were awarded to:

The hares HT2, Endosperm (or Ectosperm as PMT called him!), and Woof Woof for a grand trail around the lanes of the South Hams, but were accused by the RA of laying it from their car!

Alistair for checking every check, but running right past the first beer stop!

Dulux and Man Pig for their incident with the garlic.

Shorty for complaining that stiles were getting bigger!

ShatNav for failing to get his leg over a gate (I think I might have misheard this one)

Zombie and Rear Ender for being ‘chicks in lycra shorts’, because RA PMT loves running behind ‘chicks in lycra shorts’!

The one that got away……PMT, for his dead buzzard incident, and for his impression of a tramp with dog outside B&Q where a little old lady gave him £1 coin. “But I’m not a tramp,” he told her. “It’s for your dog then,” she said!!

The landlord and bar staff were thanked for their hospitality, and it was time to leave. ‘Strange’ smell number 4 was experienced by Man Pig, Rear Ender, Top Shelf and Alistair as they were given a lift back to Ivybridge in PMT’s Land Rover….was it a dirty washing smell? A dog smell? A dead bird smell? “I can’t tell,” said Man Pig. “My nasal passages are all blocked again!”


Scribe’s note: These Words are a work of fiction. Names, places and events are a product of the Scribe’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, sane or insane, is entirely coincidental.

                                                                                                            Words by Top Shelf

On-on to somewhere in Sheldon on May 5th.